Who is this God fellow folks talk about? Cont

So, I was pissed at God.  Mostly likely blasphemous or at the least heretical.  But we feel what we feel when we're being honest about things.

Seems at various times in my life I've been pissed at God, cussed him out.  Even called him out.  Though what I'd do if he were to take up the gauntlet I have no idea.  I've actually found the freedom to be angry with God quite a balm for things.  I found that it's ok to do so.  I'm not certain he understands anger in the way we do and it surely never seems of have bothered him in the least.  So?  Who better to vent at than someone who doesn't get offended is always patient and who doesn't get drawn into your own little dramas? 

He's certainly big enough to take it.

 As I grew up I found that it was quite helpful and in my own albeit strange way as it was something that connected me to God. 

You don't get made at a rock.  It's just a rock.  You only can get a really good mad on at a person.  So I discovered that God was a person.  A person I could talk to.  So after a time instead of blaming him I just started talking to him (I have no idea what actual sex God is.  I rather think God does not have a sex as a human would think of it.  But it's easier to call God a him from my internal referance points.)

The more I talked to God the more interested I became in how we talk to God.  I figured there had to be a better way than yelling at the sky. 

Then I moved to FL when I was 15/16 or so from MD where I lived with my Mother and Brother.  I moved down to live in my Father's house and with his family.  I quickly saw some things that changed the very basis for my earlier mistaken anger with God. 

I saw a man who was happy, truly and abidingly happy with his life, his wife and his family.  He'd married a wonderful woman Virginia or Ginny as he most often calls her.  I seldom knew just what to say to her.  It was so very obvious that she made my Dad happy and he made her happy.  But what was I to her or her to me?  What where we supposed to be to one another?  I had no idea?  Mom?  Mom II?  Mom Alt?  Virginia?  Not Ginny!  That would have been a bit too weird for me.  Mostly I avoided calling her by name when possible.  Years later I settled on Mom.  I think it only took me about another 20 years to come up with that bit of brilliance.

And I could see they were fitted for one another.  Their children also were amazing to me.  They were all well loved, well cared for and happy. 


So...then I had to get to thinking again.  Why didn't God bring my Father back?  It dawned on me that maybe some of the other things I'd heard about God were true and not just the big spy who was lurking in the bushes waiting to judge me and send me to hell. 

Could it be?  There surely looked like there was some sort of plan involved here.  Some bigger picture that I'd not seen before?  Was that possible?  Could God be that smart? 

I don't know....I was a Teenager after all, not some kid!  LOL

I eventually concluded that there had to be a plan involved here that I'd just not seen.  I choose to leave it at that.  Because obviously it should have been cleared with Me first.  But I'd be magnanimous and let God slide this time.

Now I had more information to process.  God is a person and makes plans (very big long term plans.)  So, what to do with this information?  Study him and his ways I decided.  Find out just how and where this person would fit into my life.  

More meandering thoughts tomorrow.

Be well.